My girlfriend does a lot of work with spreadsheets.

She's a hotel chambermaid.

I have been on drugs for 20 years now,

Not once have i tested positive of playing any kind of sport.

As I sat at the traffic lights, a policeman drove up beside me and said, "Step out please, sir".
I said, "Is there a problem, officer?".
He said, "I have reason to believe you're drunk, sir".
I said, "Drunk?! I'm just an honest bloke trying to get home".
He said, "Well you're not going to get very far in that wheely bin".

Antivirus pioneer John McAfee is wanted by the Police for murder charges.

If they catch him they estimate the trial could last 30 days...

Whoever replaced my kitchen window with broken glass and hid my laptop and tv, Haha very funny. Now tell me where they are.
I'm fucking serious.

The Dark Knight (2008)
The Dark Knight Rises (2012)

Congratulations, Barack Obama.

The woman went into a pharmacy and asked the chemist, "Do you have Viagra?"

"Yes," he answered.

She asked, "Does it work?"

"Yes," he answered.

She said, "Can you get it over the counter?"

"I can, if I take two," he replied.

Wife comes home early and catches Hubby having a wank in the kitchen. She rushes over and gives him the blow job of his life.
Afterwards he says "We haven't had sex for 6 months and suddenly this . . . Why??"
She answers "I only washed the floor this morning. I'd rather clean my teeth than get the fucking mop out again!!"
===============================================================
Irish newlyweds turn up at their hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite. The receptionist asks "Do you have reservations?"
Bride says "Well . . . . .I'm a bit worried about taking it up the arse!!!"
===============================================================
Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says "Don't laugh, your fucking next!!"
===============================================================
Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday!!"
===============================================================
What do you think this exchange is from............

Give it here"
"No, it's mine"
"Let me have it"
"It’s my turn!"
"You had it last"
"Fuck off!!"
"Come on gimme it"
"No way!"
"But it's my go!!!"






. . . . . . .Siamese twins having a wank
===============================================================
Lost my job as a lifeguard yesterday.
Apparently refusing a Muslim entry to the pool whilst tapping the "No bombing" sign isn't the done thing.

A Very Merry Christmas

The Department of Transport decided that due to the Health & Safety Regulations Santa Claus must take a driving test before using his sleigh again.

Santa was very worried about this. If he failed his driving test no children would get their toys on Christmas Eve. So he gathered together his elves, wo cleaned his sleigh until it was all clean and sparkling.

Then he rounded up his reindeer, gave them a brush, polished their harness and made them promise to be on their best behaviour, When everything was as ready as could be and the reindeer attached to the sleigh, off they went for the test.

After what seemed like hours later Santa came flying through the sky, shouting...


wait for it...


"Look No-el plates".



http://johns-jokes.com/A-Very-Merry-Christmas-Groaner.html


Seasonal Groaner of the Year?

Overheard in my local...

When I was little, the doctor would always grab my balls, tell me to turn my head and cough.

Last week they arrested me as a child molester. On trial I said, "No I am not a child molester. I just like to hear little kids cough".


http://www.johns-jokes.com/joke-of-the-day/2013/January.html