An elderly couple are attending a church mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

What's the differance between Futurama and JLS?

Futurama only has 1 Bender!

My missus complained about putting weight on.

I said "run a steady 10km a day for 7 days"

By my calculation, the fat cow should be 70km away by now!

An 86-year-old very wealthy man went to his doctor for his quarterly
check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'
I now have a 20 yr-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

'So what do
you think about that Doc ?'

The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.
'I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season.'

One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane
instead of his gun.'

'As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver
sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle, and went 'bang, bang'..'

'Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead..

Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor.


The 86-year-old said,
'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'


The doctor replied, 'My point exactly.'

@ Terentek

Fantastic. Ive had a very shitty day at work today, and Im sat here with the first of, what will no doubt be, many pints of Bombardier, whilst waiting for the wife to finish cooking a curry. That joke has made me laugh out loud and put the first smile on my face since I got up this morning.

Cheers.

Nigel

What's the difference between a water bottle and puberty?...

...the water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber

Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the
group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent
set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my
wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'" I
pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals
all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the
bed, and I did.

And then she said, "Do what ever you want."


So, Here I am.

What has George Michael got in common with a Wellington boot?
They both get pulled off in bogs