A skydiver on his first solo jump exits the plane.

He waits 10 seconds, pulls the cord on his 'chute and nothing happens, he calmly pulls the cord on his reserve chute and still nothing happens.

On the way down he sees a small speck coming towards him getting larger by the second, he sees that it's another man coming the other way.

"What's your problem" asks the man on the way up, "seems I don't know how to pack a parachute" replies the man on the way down, "and you" The man on the way up says, seems I know fuck all about lighting gas barbecues!"

A Vampire walks into a pub and asks for boiling water! The barman says "I thought you drank blood?", the Vampire pulls out a tampon and says "I am making tea."

2 doctors are having sex, the guy says "You must be a surgeon, you washed your hands before and after." She says "You must be an anesthetist coz I didn't feel a thing!!"

Vampire LOL...ewwwwe...

That Vampire joke is just beyond disgusting, funny, but just wickedly wrong haha.

What do you call an Israeli businessman?......Asif.

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
...'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it..'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks,
'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'

Bit early in the year I know, but my 6 year old lads favourite joke is:

Q. What did one snowman say to the other?

A. "Is it just me or can you smell carrots?"

When I was in Primary School I used to sniff glue, the purple Unicorn and the Sparkley Elf said I was going crazy, but i didn't beleieve them...

god, i though you were being serious there for a moment Callum!!