on time.

Euro English



The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.


There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl. . . ya vold.

Hahaha!!! You're a genius!!

Sometimes you just can't win... I thought I'd be a gentlemen and hold the door open for a young lady.

2 minutes later she said, "Will you fuck off, I'm trying to have a shit!"

Paddy's in a disco. He asks a girl "How about a fuck?" She replies "I'm on my menstrual cycle." "Fuckin sound!!" says Paddy "I'm on my scooter, I'll follow ya!"

It's not easy being dyslexic, got my sleeping tablets and viagra mixed up last night.... I ended up having forty wanks!!

I bought a racing snail yesterday.
took of his shell to help speed him up.
now he looks a bit sluggish!!!!

I was in Waterstones the other day, and in the window there was 2 new books

How To Be Gay by Phil Miraken and How To Be A Peedo by Ben Dover.

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

A boy is home with his babysitter on a stormy night when the boy says
"Usually on a stormy night mommy lets me cuddle with her". The
babysitter responds with "OK". They are cuddling when the boy says
"Usually mommy lets me take a bath". The babysitter says "ok". The boy
is in the tub when he says "Usually mommy gets in with me". The
babysitter says "Really? ok". They are in the tub when the boy says
"Usually my mommy lets me touch her bellybutton" The babysitter says
"Really? ummmmm ok".
Then the babysitter says "Hey that wasn't my bellybutton!" The boy
says "That wasn't my finger either