I feel sorry for the McCanns.

Maddie being The Stig was their last hope.

It was one of the best moments of married life when my son finally found out Father Christmas wasn't real.

I overheard him telling his sister in her bedroom, "It's actually our parents who do it!"

My daughter said, "But I can't believe dad would do that?!"

Then he said these beautiful words and earned himself that new bike:

"It's not dad, it can't be. Mum's the only one fat enough, with a beard."

I checked this with the World Nuclear Association and they confirmed the accuracy of the test..................

With all the fear of radiation fallout from Japan I thought it might be useful to tell you about
a cheap, effective, homemade radiation tester you can easily assemble and rely upon.

Just follow these simple instructions:

1. OPEN A BAG OF ANY BRAND OF MICROWAVE POPCORN

2. LEAVE IT ON YOUR KITCHEN WORKTOP

3. IF IT STARTS POPPING, YOU'RE FUCKED

i remember when i 1st started dating the wife.

I got a hard-on just watching her eating a banana.

now after 20 yrs of marriage i only get aroused if she's choking on it.

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. - 'My darring,'
he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want.. You juss ask.. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her
request. She eventually shyly whispers back, - 'I want to try someting I
have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her..... - 'You want...... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?

LOL great jokes

an anagram of Kate Middleton

Naked tit model

A young woman had been taking golf lessons, she had just started playing her first round of golf When she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return To the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and said, 'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?'

'I was stung by a bee', she said.

'Where', he asked.

'Between the first and second hole', she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, 'Then your stance is too wide.'

Elton John has been asked to play at Osama Bin Laden's funeral.

He has decided to sing "Sandals in the Bin".

I went to the doctor's office the other day and found out that my new doctor is a young woman and drop-dead gorgeous!

I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll "check it out."

I said, OK… My wife thinks my dick tastes funny.