Alaska

Tom had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, there is a knock on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'

'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.'

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'

'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! ...I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More than likely gonna be some wild sex, too,'

'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.
By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter says Cliff, 'Just gonna be the two of us..'

Tampax have announced today that there taking the string off Tampons and replacing it with Tinsel.

Obviously this is only for the Christmas period.

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology which was explaining the phenomenon of "Mixed
Emotions".
The husband turned to his wife and said, "That's a load of old shit. I bet you can't tell me anything that will
make me happy and sad at the same time."

She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest cock."

God visits a man and tells him he must give up smoking, drinking and sex if he wants to get into heaven... The man says he'll try.. God visits the man a week later to see how he's getting on.. "Not bad" says the man, "I've given up smoking and drinking but when the wife bent over the lounge suite & I caught sight of her long slender legs, I pulled her skirt up, pulled her knickers to one side & fucked her hard & fast from behind". "They dont like that in heaven" replies God.. The man says "They're not too fuckin happy about it in Ikea either!"

A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. . .

No wait... Sorry... I'm thinking of beer.
That's what beer does...
Never mind.;)


Merry Christmas everyone!!

Two WPCs out on parol with there Alsation. One says "I'm getting a bit cold, I've left my knuckers back at the station" The other says "Use the dog, give him a sniff of your fanny and he'll fetch them for you" So she lets the dog have a sniff and he runs back of to the station. 2 hours later he returns with a Broom, 2 Truncheons and 3 of the desk sergeants fingers!

My wife walked in as I was giving my dog a blow job.

She said, "That's disgusting, what do you have to say for yourself?"

I just sat there and said nothing.

She said, "The cat got your tongue?"

I said, "Sometimes".

The amount of time this video is taking to buffer, I'm not sure what will come first, 2011 or me.

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Dave."

"Dave who?"

Dave holds back tears as he realises his mother's Alzheimer's is getting worse.

Was watching "Masturbating Babysitter" today when my mum walked in so I quickly minimized the window. Can you imagine the embarrassment, trousers down at knees, cock in hand, with a minimized window that read "Masturbating Babys...." - I know sick as fuck...