Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year". Mick said, "Lets hope its not the 13th then".

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Fuck all!

2 women called at my door last night and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 fucking minutes…. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.

LOL.....

A man is driving along the motorway with his wife in the passenger seat. During the drive, the wife gets an idea. She starts taking off her clothing piece by piece and tossing them out the window.
The guy is shocked but aroused. She gets her shoes, socks, etc. and chucks them out. Finally, she whips her underwear off and throws it all out onto the motorway. The guy is laughing and leering at her. He looses control of the car in the process and crashes into a barrier at the side.
Unfortunately, the air-bag doesn't go off on his side, and he finds himself wedged in under the steering wheel. "Help, go get help......aggghhhh, I'm stuck", he shouts.
"But I have no clothes on. What'll I do ?", she screams.
"Here", he says wiggling his foot, "Take my shoe and put it over your crotch. It'll have to do, love. Quick, hurry!"
She takes the shoe off his foot and places it over her crotch and gets out of the car, limping and shouting for help. After a few hundred yards of yelling and running a trucker notices this naked hysterical woman holding a shoe over her crotch, and pulls over.
"What's seems to be the trouble?", he asks.
"Help me", she screams, "My husband is stuck".
"If he's stuck up that far I'm afraid I can't help you."

A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.
A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.
There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."
"No, a straw," says the Tramp.
The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.
To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".

Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
--------
He heard the snow blower coming.

Why did the Avon lady walk funny?
Her lipstick.

Why did the gay guy think his lover was cheating on him?
He came home shit faced.

One for the engineers amongst us.

A lunatic escapes from an asylum, runs into the laundrette of the nearest town, shags 3 women and runs away.

The headline in the evening paper reads ...................

"NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS"

Great one!

FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. £300.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows fucking everything.