"Ok lads, let's all remember this for next week. What happened in the mine stays in the mine".

After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more childr...en.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative, ' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in hillbilly country) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'

The hillbilly said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me..'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

'1'

'2'

'3'

'4'

'5'

( you'll love this..)

At which point, he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

Plain and simple The X Factor, fuckin dominating British Tv for the next 2 months, can't turn on your Tv without hearing the words Cheryl, Cher and fuckin whores!!

Little Johnny asked Mom what 2 words mean that kids at school were using...........Pussy and Bitch.

Mom inhaled sharply, but then said:
"Oh, that's easy A pussy is a cat like our little Kitty.

A bitch is a female dog, like our Doggie ."
"Thanks, Mom.."

He then found his Dad out in the garage.
"Dad, the guys at school are using words I don't understand."

"What words, son?"
"Pussy and bitch. I asked Mom, but I don't think she told me the right meanings."


Dad said: "Son, never ask your mother about these things, ask me instead. Let me explain it like this."
He pulled a Playboy from under his workbench, turned to the centerfold, circled around the pubic area and said:

"Son, everything inside the circle is pussy”.

"Okay, Dad. Then what's a bitch?"
Dad replied: "Everything outside the circle."

Hahaha I like it. You are of course wrong though. The X-Factor is one of the greatest tv programmes ever made. Every year for 4 months I get to spend Saturday night in front of my 360, listening to my music, going up the pub, doing whatever the hell I want, without my wife and two kids pestering, bleating, asking to join in, and generally getting in the way. Any programme that holds their attention so firmly for 3 hours every Saturday over such a long period can't be anything but great. The price I pay? 5 minutes every Saturday pretending I'm listening to them tell me all about it. Long may the high-waistbanded idiot reign.

A man sees his mate in the street.

"What's new" says Bill, "I just bought a new book" says Jack as proud as punch, "it's called The Art of Repartee"

"Repartee" says Bill, "what's that?"

"It's about the art of quick witted conversation", replies Jack.

"Have you had chance to use it yet"? Bill asks, "as a matter of fact I used it last night", says Jack.

"Me and the missus took the kids to the circus".
"A clown with a microphone came up to me and said, "tell me sir, have you ever been the front end of a pantomime donkey?" "no" I said, "oh!", he exclaimed, "then have you ever been the rear end of a pantomime donkey?", "no I haven't", I replied".

"Well then sir, all through your life you've made no end of an ass of yourself!, the audience thought it was the funniest thing they'd heard all week"

"Just then I remembered my new book" said Jack, "what did you say", asked Bill, barely able to contain his excitement, "I grabbed the microphone off him and said GET FUCKED YOU RED NOSED CUNT!"

At the end of "Lemmy The Movie" trailer Lemmy tells a joke. Could someone put it down? I can't get to understand what he says due to my poor English...Thanks!

Roughly, Lemmy says:

A policeman finds a small kid on a street corner in Soho at 4 in the morning.

He asks the kid "How old are you son".

The kid replies "Nine officer"

"What the hell are you doing here in the red light district at 4am then?" asks the policeman

"Im trying to get a sexually transmitted disease" says the kid
"Why the hell do you want a sexually transmitted disease?" says the policeman

"The boy replies "Well, if I get it I fuck the babysitter and she gets it. If the babysitter gets it, she fucks my dad and he gets it. If my dad gets it, he fucks my mum and she gets it. And if my mum gets it, she fucks the gardener and he gets it..........and he's the bastard I want to get, cause he squashed my frog"

As with a lot of jokes, it's funnier told than written.

Thanks lard-o-matic!!
That's Lemmy a 100%!!

Found out last night my Granny made a porno in the 50's. I don't know what disgusted me more the fact that she made it or that i carried on wanking after i recognised her!!