An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

I often read the obituaries and what I find offputting is that they always seem to be next to the classified ads. It's just offsensive, there's you dead, and there's all your shit for sale.

A Man go's to the doctor's and say's " everytime i masturbate i always shout come on Manchester United" Doctor replied " Don't worry most Wankers Do"

That's going on the fridge, haha.

An elderly man lay dying in his bed.
While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left
this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon ........................

'Fuck off' she said, 'they're for the funeral.'

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
One makes your day, the other makes your hole weak.
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Why is the queens head allways featured on stamps?
Because if it were her arse no one would lick it!
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A man sees a job advertised in the local job centre in Inverness. He went up to the counter to enquire about it.

"Ah yes" says the assistant. "Its for a vacancy in the gynecology department of the local hospital, what you have to do is take the ladies underwear off and lay them on the bed, then put a shaving cream on them and shave their nether regions. After that you have to apply a softening oil to the shaved parts. and they'll be ready for surgery"

"Wow" says the man "That sounds fantastic, where do I go?" You have to go to Portsmouth" replied the assistant. "Is that where the hospital is?" asked Dave, "No, that's where the end of the queue is"

Little Johnny's teacher and the word perhaps


The teacher says, "Okay class, we're going to play a game today. I want everyone to give me a sentence with the word 'perhaps' in it."

Claude says, "Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won't give us any homework."

The teacher says, "Very good, Claude."

Mary says, "The sky is very dark... perhaps it's going to rain." The teacher says, "Very good, Mary."

She calls on Little Johnny in the back.

Johnny says, "Yesterday, when I got home from school, my sister and her music teacher both had their pants down to their ankles. Perhaps they were gonna pee on the piano."

young girl at the top of a bus in a short skirt and no knickers shouts down to the conductor
"Is this Ealing"
"Fucking Hell" cried the conductor
" from where i'm standing looks like it could do with a couple more stitches "

My Daughter is at that age now when she is asking embarrising questions abou sex. I mean just this morning she said "Is that the best you can do?!"

Life is like a box of chocolates, the bigger you are the shorter your life is...