Remember the 7 qualities of the perfect girlfriend
Beautiful Intelligent Gentle Thoughtful Innocent Trustworthy Sensible...........

Or in other words B.i.g.T.i.t.s

I remember how my Dad died... He was driving down a dark, icey, slippy road, when he turned road a sharp cornner then BAM!... Cancer

My blind date picked me up in a 1936 Rolls Royce.
Unfortunately, she was the original owner.
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I went on a blind date last night, I was proper shitting myself.
Turned out well though, she was into all that.
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I nervously stepped through the door of my local brothel today. It was the first time I'd seen the outside world in weeks.
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In an effort to be a gentleman, I stood aside and held the door open for my girlfriend.
Two minutes later she said, "Can you please fuck off while I'm having a shit?"
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My girlfriend is really upset after she found out my work Christmas party is going to be in a strip club.
I didn't help myself trying to reassure her by saying, "Babe, if I was capable of pulling a stripper, I wouldn't be with you."
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When a man ejaculates, he comes at twenty miles per hour.
Which means it's perfectly safe to hit a child.
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I applied for a job at Childline the other day.
Apparently, "I like listening to children's rape stories" is not an acceptable reason for employment.
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Scientists in Southampton claim to have created a wonder drug for period pain.
Personally, I use earplugs.
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I hate it when my daughter slides down the banister.
Especially since she started her periods.
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Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace knickers.
"Since when do you wear womens pants?"
"Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"
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Nothing says, "Sorry I ran over your daughter"
No, seriously, nothing.
Not even Moonpig.com
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Just going home from the pub, when I smashed into some pahkiz' car and killed all of them.
Carlsberg don't do car crashes, but they do cause them.

I bought my wife a bag and matching belt for her birthday.
Now she can fix the fucking vacuum cleaner.
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What kind of wife can cook with one hand, still have sex, dust with the other hand, wash up with her feet and open a bottle of beer with her arse?

A swiss army wife
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If little girls are supposed to be made of sugar & spice, why do some of them taste of anchovies?
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Two tramps are walking along a railway track. One of them says: "This is my lucky railway track. " "Oh, what makes you say that?" asks the other tramp. "Well, I was walking here the other day and came upon a hamper. I opened it up and there was the most beautiful food and drink. I scoffed the lot. It was the most amazing meal of my life".

The other tramp said:"Funny you should mention that but this is my lucky railway track as well". "How come?" asks his friend, "Well, the other week I came upon a beautiful, naked young woman. i took her in my hands and made mad, passionate love to her. It was the best sex of my life".

The other tramp was a bit miffed at this and asked "Did she give you a blowjob?" "No" said his friend sadly "I couldn't find her head".
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A woman walks into the kitchen and finds her husband with the fly swat.

"What are you doing?"
She asks.

"Hunting Flies," he says.

"Killed any?"

"Yep, three male, two female."

How do you tell them apart?" she asks.

He says:" Well three were on a beer can, and two were on the phone."

Sex On Venus

It's the year 2069, and NASA finally manages to get a manned mission to Venus. While surveying Venus they find evidence of "life as we know it" and land to make First Contact.

Sure enough, there's a race of advanced beings there and the two races exchange huge amounts of information. Inevitably, the questions turn to sex.

"How do you reproduce?" one of the Earthling NASA astronauts asks.

The Venusians are pleased to demonstrate. Two of them get together and touch tentacles in a special way. A moment later a sac appears on one of them, grows to the size of a basketball, and breaks open. A tiny tentacled baby pops out and falls to the ground, jumps up and starts running around looking for its first meal.

"Amazing!" exclaim the Earthlings.

"So will you give us a demonstration of how you do it" ask the aliens?

The Earthlings can hardly refuse, so the commander asks for volunteers and a couple steps forward and demonstrates Earthly delights. The Venusians are rapt with interested attention.

When the couple finishes, however, the aliens are confused. "Where is the child" they ask? "Or was the mating a failure"?

"Well", says the commander, "we don't find out right away. If it was successful, it takes a month or two to find out, and the baby doesn't show up for nine months after conception".

"Nine months" asks the incredulous alien leader? "Then why were they in such a hurry at the end"?

A turtle was walking down a dark alley, when he was mugged by a gang of snails.
A police detective later asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.
The turtle replied, "I don't know. It all happened so fast."
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I found my first grey pubic hair the other day . . .
It was in a kebab.
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Gene Pitney's widow goes to the undertakers and says; 'I want the best, my man needs an oak coffin.'

'Okay,' they say, 'But we'll have to season the wood, it'll be about three weeks.'

'Isn't there any way we can do it more quickly?' she says.

'Change the type of wood,' says an undertaker, 'It's only twenty four hours from balsa.'
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How unlucky is my sister has not had sex for years in case of disease then catches E -Coli from a cucumber

Just had some awful news my new Thai wife's breast cancer has spread to her bollock's

1. What do you call a pantry full of lesbians?
A licker cabinet.

2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
A Klondyke.

3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
Militia Etheridge.

4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

5. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
Fur Traders.

6. What is a lesbian dinosaur called?
A Lickalotapuss.

7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
Well Hung.

8. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned?
She was found face down in Ricki Lake .

9. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
Even the pool table doesn't have balls.

10. What do you call lesbian twins?
Lick-a-likes.

11. What's the definition of confusion?
Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

12. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
One's a snack cracker; the other's a crack snacker.

13. What do you have when you've got 50 lesbians and 50 state workers?
100 people that don't do Dick.

14. What's the name of the new anti lesbian drug?
Trycoxagain.

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