My brother and I laugh at how competitive we were as kids.

But I laugh more.

For our chemistry exam we had to write a thousand words on acid.

Unfortunately my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted.

My boss called me into his office today and said, "I've noticed you nodding off during team meetings recently. Are you getting enough sleep?"

"Not really, the meetings are a lot shorter these days."

Just watching Sky News. It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas in New York; they've got trees in the shops.

I wish everyone would stop criticising Jimmy Savile. When I was 8, he fixed it for me to milk a cow blindfolded.

"You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you?"

Always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation with me.

Police revealed they have found Jimmy Saville's diary, the last entry was an 11 year old boy.
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M&S have brought out a Jimmy Saville memorial track suit, the tops are adult size but you have to squeeze into kids bottoms.
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Jimmy Savile's ashes are now to be made into an etch-a-sketch so that kids can still fiddle with his knob.
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hahahahahahaha!!
thats feckin terrible!!
wish i could stop laughin tho'!

Best to get it out of the system early!

Unless anyone is unhappy about casual sexism......


Bob Smith was at the country club for his weekly round of golf.
He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the
second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when

his mobile phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had
just been in a accident and was in critical condition and in A&E.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd
be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realised he was leaving
what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.

He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the
hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round
shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and
beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....

Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital.
He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's
condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished
your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!"

"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the
country club your wife has been languishing in A&E!

It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more
than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round
the clock care and you will be her care giver! She will need IV's; you
will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to
be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care."

The man broke down and sobbed.

The doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just joking with you. She's dead.
What'd you shoot?"