Me and my mate were driving to the pub one night, we were driving across a muddy road when we saw a little old lady pushing a bike. I said to my mate "Pull over here, I'll help her, you just go to the pub and I will meet you In half an hour. When my mate drove away the old lady stripped bare naked and said "C'mon big boy do what youn want".

So 5 minutes later I enter the pub, my mate goes "Christ, that was quick, what happend?", "She said do what you want so i took the bike and peddled over!!"

Good text jokes:

Susan Boyle has a photo shoot tomorrow. Simon Cowell wants her to be surrounded by ugly bastards. The bus leaves at nine, make sure your on it!

Today is International Numpty Day. Please send an encouraging message to a retarded friend, just as ive done. I don't care if you lick windows, interfere with farm animals or occasionally shit yourself. You hang in there sunshine you're fucking special!

A boy comes home from school at 7pm. His Dad asks "Where were you?"

"I was with Jessica"

"What were you doing"

"We were revising"

After picking a snack of the table, the son says "These fishcakes are lovely."

Dad replies "Wash your hands there fucking donuts!!"

A blind man went to a restaurant.

"Menu sir?" asked the owner.

"I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks and I will smell it and order."

The confused owner got a fork , the blind mand smelt it, took a deep deep breath, "Yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring veg."

Unbelievable thought the owner. the blind man ate and left. 2 weeks later the man returned. The owner, wanting to see how good his smell is, quickly went into the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking. He said "Do me a favour and rub this fork over your pussy!", which she does. Then he goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man puts it to his nose and says "Fuck me, I never knew Brenda worked here!!"

Some woman stopped me in the street today and started telling me a joke, it had all the good ingredients of a good joke: Death, Tears, Starving Children, Homeless People and Suffering, but i didn't understand the punch line.....something about £4 a month.

Hahaha, fucking excellent!

I'm just posting all my joke texts i get, ive got loads (some innapropriate )

An 85-year-old went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. she tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing."

"We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."

Happiest day of my life believe me.
Arrived at the church
Saw the wife at the altar
Walked up the aisle
Kissed her on the cheek
Closed the lid.

I was in Jerusalem when suddenly the wife passed away. The local undertaker told me it was £5000 to bury her in the UK and £50 to bury her in Jerusalem. I quickly handed him the £5000 to which he replied surely sir why do you not save the money and bury her here in the Holy Land. I said a long long long time ago you buried a man called Jesus. Three days later he rose again. I can't take the chance with that bitch.