Retards are like dogs. They like to lick everything, they drool everywhere, they need constant attention and shit where ever they feel like it!!

I apologies to anyone from glasgow ...

In glasgow, when we go shoppin, we dinny yase yer fancy credit cards or yer wee £10 notes, we yase glass botlles and bricks at 2o'clock in the mornin!

I bought a Christmas calender from Glasgow, all the windows were boarded up!

If there is anything more dangerous than Osama Bin Laden, George W Bush and David Cameron it's women drivers!!

Sorry jasmine!!

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get to the other side.

Q: Why did the pervert cross the road?
A: Because he had his cock stuck in the chicken.

My Nan is a funny old thing, bless her. I went round there today and she'd knitted me an Orange jumper, with the words " I Heart Binladen" cross the front in big letters... I said "Nan I can't wear that... It's a fuckin medium!!

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room,Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, "Dad, what's love juice?"
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, "So what were you watching?"
Billy says, "Wimbledon."

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A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?'
Granny replies, "fuck the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"!

In an interview with Michael Jackson back in 2003, a reporter asked Michael "So what are you going to do with your singing career now?"

"Oh, I won't be performing any more I'm going to be doing some charity work."

"Oh thats good, whats that for, Cancer Research? Diabeties UK? Save The Whales...?"

"No, I'm going to help children who get sexually abused"

"Oh thats nice, so are you going to do a sponcered walk or a marathon?"

"No, I'll just open my basement door..."

I was watching Deal Or No Deal today, and just realised how shit it was. I thought to myself If I wanted to see people open empty boxes I'd go to Kerry Katona's house on Christmas morning.

Jack's girlfriend got a new tattoo, a seashell on the top of her inner thigh. Jack think's it is coz if you put your ear to it, you can actually smell the sea.

Lady post's an add in the paper, "I'm looking for a man that won't beat me or run away but who is good in bed."

Next day the doorbell goes, "Hi I'm Bob, Iv'e no arm's so I will never hit you and no leg's so I won't run away."

The lady say's "What make's you think your so good in bed?" Bob replies "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"