In my area, locals refer to me as 'Batman' because of my nighttime antics.
I chase women through the park with my bat.
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I just rung my Japanese friend to make sure he was okay after the Tsunami and all he did was go on about his social life.
Just kept going on and on about a huge rave.
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I went swimming in the Black Sea.
It stole my trunks.
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BBC NEWS: Kenya offer condolences to Japan.
Trust the Africans to get friendly when water is involved.

Britain is one of the first nations to send search and rescue teams to Japan.
Probably because of all the experience gained during the 2.6 magnitude Stoke-on-Trent quake of 1963.
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Sky News - "Japanese airports are full as hundreds of foreigners are fleeing the country..."
Maybe Britain needs an earthquake...
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Those Japs are lying, I've checked google streetview and everythings fine.
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Finally. A natural disaster in a country I don't have to give money to.
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Since my wife left, it's really allowed me to experiment with cooking.
Tonight I'm having wraps filled with fish fingers and chocolate spread.
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My wife has worked as a magician's assistant for years now. I think she has picked up a few tricks.
I came home from work early today and she was in the bedroom. She said, "Abracadabra!" and my mate, Dave, came out of the wardrobe, stark naked.
Poor bastard must have wondered what the fuck was going on.
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My daughter has Bieber fever.
Or as it's medically known, Downs syndrome.
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The Sun:
Kerry Katona 'Men Keep Chasing After Me in the Street.'
They are called drug dealers Kerry.
Pay your debts.

LOL

Funny as fuck!!

i found this homeless girl out by the trah bins. i felt real bad for her, so i brought her in. after i got her all cleaned up it occurred to me that she was actually pretty good looking. long story short, next thing you know we were making passionate love. i was fucking her so hard, and the way she was moving about you could have sworn she was alive...

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone." Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire." "When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a Rectal thermometer. And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

i just want it on the record that sometimes i use the word "gay" to describe something that is silly or over-the-top. that's all


i have nothing against fruits, and if you don't like me using that word you can fucking well jew off and quit being so black about it.

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.

As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination. "At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection" said my mate.

"No, but I have" replied the nurse.

I read a story in the newspaper the other day about a father who paid his daughter for sex. I was absolutely disgusted.

What kind of daughter charges her own father?

My mate asked me the other day if I said filthy things to my missus when I was having sex, I said "yes, if there's a phone next to the bed!