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Johns-Jokes.com

Five years ago today I got a life sentence. No chance to get out early for good behaviour and no chance to get out on parole.
What I did? I just stood there in church and said "I do!"

It's actually 5 years since I got married...

Congrats mate!!
I think I'm 30 yrs and counting.....
You forget after awhile LOL

Impressive, especially the way you just estimate the timeframe
15 years and counting for me. Funny you know, on our anniversary this year I happened to mention to the wife that it felt longer. She just told me it used to. Whatever that means

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear" she whispers as she steps into the room, "why are you down here at this time of night"?

The husband looks up from his coffee. "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16" he asks solemnly?

"Yes I do", she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love"?

"Yes, I remember", said the wife.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to jail for 20 years'"?

"I remember that, too", she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today".


http://johns-jokes.com/all-the-jokes.html

A female dwarf goes to a doctor complaining of an embarrassing itch in her groin area.

The doctor looks her up and down, picks her up and stands her on his desk .........

He lifts up her skirt and puts his head under.

A little perplexed, she hears snip, snip, snip, snip.

The doctor emerges from under her skirt 'How's that?'

'Well, it's a lot better actually, but... it's still there.'

Undaunted, he dives back under her skirt.

Snip, snip, snip, snip. Out he comes.

'How's that?' he asks again more confident.

'That's wonderful! What did you do?'

'I've trimmed the top of your Ugg boots.'

A guy goes to the doctor and says, ”Doc, I have a problem.” ”My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday.” ”I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all.” The doctor says, ”You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for any man. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out.” The man says, ”You have a deal Doc.” Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.The doctor asks, ”What happened”? The man answered, ”Nobody showed up!” : )

Good one!

A man wakes up one morning to find his cock has become square, in a state of panic he goes to the local doctors.

The doctor examines him thoroughly and says, "I'll write you this note for 2 weeks off work"

The man, still very anxious says "Why, are you going to operate"?

The doc replies, "No, it will give you time to pull yourself round"

Under current EU law it is not politically correct to use the term " gypo "
From now they are called Caravan Utilizing Nomadic Travellers.
Or C.U.N.T for short