lol...........

My career has really taken off since I took a job as a lift attendant.

It's always taking me to the next level.

Both my next door neighbours have been arrested as part of the European-wide raids against online paedophiles.

Fuck knows where I'm going to get my free wi-fi now.

Warning to all men: women are using date rape drugs called blowjobs to lure men into scams called relationships.

I was just enjoying a wank when some woman popped up and said, "Find local girls in your area"

I said, "Get the fuck out of my room, mum."

I took a bird back to my house for sex last night.

Twenty seconds into it my cock went floppy.

She looked at me and said, "You can do better than this, surely?"

"Of course I can" I said, "But you shouldn't put yourself down like that."

I went on a date this evening.

I said, "So, are you a vampire?"

"No," she said, with a puzzled look on her face.

I said, "So you can see your reflection and you still come out looking like that?"

I went back to see my doctor today.

I said, "I applied the pile cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction."

"Where exactly did you apply it?" he asked.

I said, "On the bus."

People ask me, "George, you've been happily married now for 40 years. What's your secret?"

And I say, "You'll have to speak up, I'm as deaf as a post."

LOL!