my daughter was asked at school today do do a farmyard impression and apparently
'' get the fuck off my land before i shoot you you pikey bastard'' wasn't quite what the teacher was expecting.

Not meant as a joke, but if we call it that it's not so embarrassing...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dUFZklIOFvg

It's a young mans first day on the job in reception at a hotel.

An elderly lady is checking in and she wags a finger at the new starter and says "I hope the pornography channel in my room is disabled" the young man replies "no, its regular porn you sick bitch"

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/MICHAEL-JACKSON-Ne...=item35ae9466a2

Michael Jackson's releasing albums from beyond the dead!!

I took a blow up doll back to the shop.

It had great tits, but the cunt was too slack.

I decided it was too pricey.

Little Johnny sitting at the table along with the local priest who has been invited in for tea.

Johnny says "can you pass me the fucking salt Mum"?

Johnny's Dad pulls him into the kitchen, belt's him round the ear and says "you can't say that in front of a priest, go in and apologise"

Johnny goes back to the table and says "sorry for that Father, I didn't mean to make a cunt of myself"

Lets see if this one pass the censors...

There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea. When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on. "What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host. "A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"

When Gordon Brown was Priminister it must have been so confusing for George Bush, I wonder if he knew just who Gordon Brown was... I mean, he proboly though Tony Blair had gained weight and had a mild stroke!

Kate goes to the Queen and says "every time I suck Williams knob, I get acid indigestion". The queen replies, "have you tried Andrews"?

A guy walks into a bank and goes straight to the cashier

Client: Hey you ugly bitch i want to start a savings account here
Cashier: Sir i don't allow you to talk to me like that.
Client: I don't give a fuck what you allow or not , get me a fucking account now.

So the lady calls the manager...

Manager: Sir , what seems to be the problem?
Client: Look dude , i just won 500 million dollars in the lottery and i came to open an account in this bank.
Manager: Seriously? And that little bitch is giving you trouble?