I'm fuckin knackered! Just spent the last 5 hours painting all the rocks in my garden white incase my gay neighbor wants a snowball fight this winter...

HAHA!! You're on fire Callum. We have jokes for all the weekend

This ice-cold weather is hilarious! right now, I'm outside the Mental Hospital watching the staff trying to free 50 tongues from the windows, third left, is that Harvey Price?

Sorry if my phone keeps calling you...damn, people can't drive in this snow. My phone is voice activated and every time I shout 'fucking bawbag' it dials Alex Salmond.

I watched the footage of Saddam being executed, and it really made me think…is there nothing on the internet that I won’t masturbate to?

I lost my virginity to my mum’s best friend. It was my dad. It was the only time he told me he loved me!

I thought it was sad that they had that concert for Princess Diana I mean she didnt have much to do with pop music , they should have have done something that celebrated what was really great about her life ... by staging a gang bang in a minefield. - Fankie Boyle, fuckin legend!

When I was young my Fairy Godmother asked me if I wanted a very large penis or a very long memory, I forget my responce. Jesus, my back hurts!

What do you call a 30 stone Glaswegian prostitute?

Aweighty Fuck.

because of all the ice and snow at the moment the government are worrying about kids playing in the roads. so to scare them off they are bringing out a new machine.

it's called the Gary Gritter