I've just given some false information to a market researcher. When she asked how often I do internet banking, I answered 3-4 times a day.

It wasn't until I saw the Halifax logo on her top that I realised I had misheard the question.

As I sat down next to a bloke on the bus he gave me a really strange look.

"That's typical," I thought. "The bus is empty and yet I still end up sitting next to a fucking nutcase."

I'm really worried about my Parrot.
He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life".

My room-mate's too selfish to notice. He's always crying.

What do you call a stick that makes men disappear?


A pregnancy test.

My girlfriend and I broke up due to religious differences...

She failed to worship me.

My mate is really pissed off that he's started going bald.

I told him to think about all the money he'll save by not going on dates.

If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.

That's why people with no sense of humour have an increased sense of self-importance.

Someone's been busy today

A woman goes to the doctor and says, I want a baby doctor but I don't like men.

Well, says the doctor, we now have some bottles in the back with male sperm in them, we open a bottle and put the contents into your pussy and hey presto you're pregnant.

Ok Doc I will try that out, says the woman.

The Doc goes in the back room and after several minutes appears with his pants round his ankles and an enormous hard on.

"Doc!,what the hell are you doing" the woman says?

Doc replies, "we've run out of bottles, you will have to have draught"...


http://johns-jokes.com/joke-of-the-day/2012/April.html


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The Pope was on his first visit to South Africa.

Travelling through the jungle he came across three white men who were pulling a black man who was tied to the end of a rope, out of a river.

They then set about swiftly killing the crocodile that was attacking him.

The Pope blessed the men and said they would be rewarded in heaven, he then continued on his way.

One of the men said, "Who's that dude?" to which one of the others replied "I don't know, but he hasn't a fucking clue about baiting up to catch crocodiles.