My sexy neighbour has left her curtains open slightly, so I'm watching her masturbate with my telescope.
I can't see very well, though.
If only I had my telescope.
I locked my keys in my car outside of an abortion clinic the other night.
It turns out they get really pissed when you go in and ask them for a coat hanger.
I wanked over a blind girl yesterday.
She never saw me coming.
What's the most sensitive part of your body when you're having a wank?
I'm always frank with my sexual partners.
Don't want them knowing my real name, do I ?
When i was 14 my dad caught me smoking, he made me smoke the whole packet.
I wish he'd caught me with a girl
Romantic films are known to ruin relationships as they give women unrealistic expectations about what to expect from men.
Porn has the same effect on men.
I read the following headline in the paper today: "Woman Beats Off Attacker".
Well, I guess if he didn't get to rape her, at least he got a wank.
Took a mate of mine to Switzerland at the weekend for an assisted suicide.
We got there in time for breakfast - sick bastards were serving "cheerio's"
My wife fell asleep on the sofa. Feeling a little naughty, I took a marker pen and wrote 'World's Worst Mum' on her forehead.
The next morning when she looked in the mirror she went mental.
I had no idea that having a miscarriage affects your sense of humour.
I pulled one of my mums old friends in a club. Still quite fit for her age.
As she slipped her hand in my jeans she said, "This is weird, I used to change your nappy."
Then came the killer blow, as she placed her hand on my cock, she chortled, "Ooh, you haven't changed a bit."
They say there's more chance of dying on the way to place the lottery, than actually winning.
That's why I always send my girl friend.