My sexy neighbour has left her curtains open slightly, so I'm watching her masturbate with my telescope.
I can't see very well, though.
If only I had my telescope.

I locked my keys in my car outside of an abortion clinic the other night.
It turns out they get really pissed when you go in and ask them for a coat hanger.


I wanked over a blind girl yesterday.
She never saw me coming.

What's the most sensitive part of your body when you're having a wank?
Your ears.

I'm always frank with my sexual partners.
Don't want them knowing my real name, do I ?

When i was 14 my dad caught me smoking, he made me smoke the whole packet.
I wish he'd caught me with a girl


Romantic films are known to ruin relationships as they give women unrealistic expectations about what to expect from men.
Porn has the same effect on men.

I read the following headline in the paper today: "Woman Beats Off Attacker".
Well, I guess if he didn't get to rape her, at least he got a wank.

Took a mate of mine to Switzerland at the weekend for an assisted suicide.
We got there in time for breakfast - sick bastards were serving "cheerio's"

My wife fell asleep on the sofa. Feeling a little naughty, I took a marker pen and wrote 'World's Worst Mum' on her forehead.
The next morning when she looked in the mirror she went mental.
I had no idea that having a miscarriage affects your sense of humour.

I pulled one of my mums old friends in a club. Still quite fit for her age.
As she slipped her hand in my jeans she said, "This is weird, I used to change your nappy."
Then came the killer blow, as she placed her hand on my cock, she chortled, "Ooh, you haven't changed a bit."

They say there's more chance of dying on the way to place the lottery, than actually winning.
That's why I always send my girl friend.
Win-Win.


http://johns-jokes.com/joke-of-the-day/2012/May.html

(My mate just text this joke, so if this is old hat sorry, but its a classic )

" i had a right tasty bird in my car last night, proper big tits,long legs, fishnet stockings and killer high heels, blowing me off like she was sucking porridge through a straw, then all of a sudden she asked me to take her up the shit hole, I said " feck off, i aint driving to villa park this time of night "

Since we are moving, somehow I got Stuck with the Job of labelling Boxes. I labelled the boxes with things like "Sex Toys" "Drugs" "Human Body Parts" "Explosives" and of course "Porn" .................... the Fun part starts .............. when the Movers get here

There showing Vidal Sassoon's funeral on tv.
Not the whole thing just the highlights

I can't say I always give a woman an orgasm during sex, but when I do she normally spits it out.

My mate died after taking an E.
Countdown's security staff don't fuck about you know.

I need to stop my wife from shouting at me cause she's pissed off I keep doing an impression of a flamingo.

So I've had to put my foot down

lol funny ones Paul!

A group of bikers were out riding when they saw a young woman about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to jump - to end it all," she says.

While he didn't want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity either, so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So she does.... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss.

The biker says Wow! that was great ....do you want to give me a blow job before you jump?".....so she agrees.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! that was the best blow job I've ever had! that's a real talent you're wasting, you could be famous, why in the world would you want to commit suicide?"

"Because my parents don't like me dressing up like a girl........" was the reply.

The local Police investigating the discovery of a body under the bridge, say it's not clear whether she may have fallen from or jumped from the bridge.

The 21st century.

When deleting history is more important than making it.