As I sat down in the pub with my pint, I put my Nokia 3310 on the table in front of me. My mate immediately burst out laughing and put his iPhone next to mine. I gave it a disdainful look.

"Why don't you get a better phone, mate?" he asked.

"I don't need one." I replied. "My phone does everything that I need and it's better than yours."

He burst out laughing again. "Better than mine?" he roared. "Mine has 3G, Wi-Fi, the iMessage service, a best-in-class browser, five megapixel camera, access to the App Store for virtually unlimited customisation plus a built-in iPod for all my music. If yours is better than mine, I'll give you my phone."

"I don't want your phone." I said, "Mine's the best, why would I want a second-best, second-hand phone? I tell you what, though, if I can prove that mine is better than yours, how about you give me the cash equivalent of your phone?"

"You're on!" he crowed. "Show me something with your phone and I'll show you how mine is better."

Casually, I knocked my phone off the table.

"And so, God came forth and proclaimed widescreen is the best"

Sony 16:9

Apparently, towels are the biggest cause of dry skin.

The Concerned Anthropologist

Charles, an anthropologist decides to study the natives of a distant tropical island. When he arrives he finds a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote location where he would make his collections.

The river takes them downstream, and in the eve of the of the second day, they hear the distant sound of drums. Being of a very nervous disposition, Charles is disturbed by the sound of the drums and asks the guide, "What are those drums?"

The guide replies, "Drums OK, but VERY BAD when they stop."

Then, after a few hours, the drums suddenly stop! Charles becomes as nervous as hell. Charles shouts at the guide: "The Drums have stopped, what now?"

The guide bends down, covers his head with his hands and says, "Bass Solo".

Size does matter


A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.

The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.

She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.

"Look," he said. "My regular customers don’t ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condom won’t even be used.

The first day was fine but on the second day a coloured guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350"..

The girl panicked. She ran outside, phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.

"Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs," her boss told her.

She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs.

"Yes!!!" she said " He's got one hanging there"....!

The boss said ..................................





"Go back in and give him £3.50......................He's the bloody Window Cleaner"!!!!!!!


http://Johns-Jokes.com/

I met a fairy today who granted me one wish.

"I want to live forever" I said.

"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that, try something else.

"Fine" I said, "I don't want to die until Julia Gillard is re-elected as Prime Minister of Australia".

"You're a shifty little bastard, aren’t you?" said the fairy.

A Redneck passed away and left his entire
Estate to his beloved widow...
But she can't touch it 'till she's 14.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do you know when you're staying in a Redneck motel?
When you call the front desk and say,
" I gotta leak in my sink...”, and the clerk replies...
"Go ahead."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum
Drinking age for Rednecks to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder:
1) The DNA is all the same
2) There are no dental records
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Who invented the toothbrush?
A Redneck!!
If it had been invented by anyone else,
It would have been a teeth brush
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery ?
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A new Redneck law was just recently passed
When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear that the Redneck Governor's Mansion burned down?
'Yep... Prit'near took out the whole trailer park. The library
Was a total loss too. Both books went poof - Up in flames!
And the Governor hadn't even finished colorin' one of 'em.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16
And says to the driver, 'Got any I.D.?'
The driver replies 'Bout wut?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A friend of mine quit the Armed Forces and just started his own business in Kandahar.

He's making land mines that look like prayer mats, business is good.

He says prophets are going through the roof!

Paddy buying flowers

Paddy goes into a florist and says, I would like to buy a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend.

The florist looked at him and said, "Certainly Sir, what is it you're after"?

Paddy replies...

"A shag"

http://johns-jokes.com/​Paddy-buying-flowers.html