"Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?" I asked my boss.

"Just pop it in the corner," he said.

It took me three hours.

I was talking to a fat lass with huge tits last night.

"My eyes are up here..." I said, as she looked down at the kebab in my hand.

My girlfriend just left me

All she left was a note on the 'fridge:
"It's not working, I can't take it anymore! Gone to stay at my Mother's"!

I opened the 'fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold. I have no idea what in the hell she was talking about............the fridge works fine.


WOMEN, who can understand them?


Joke of the Day


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A bit of Olympics History

A slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great but as yet unnamed athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece.

In those days, believe it or not, the athletes performed naked.

To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.

At the opening ceremonial parade Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed: "OH!! Limp Pricks!"


Over the next two and a half millennia that morphed into "Olympics."


http://johns-jokes.com/joke-of-the-day/2012/August.html

Next chapter of my 50 shades of grey book.
After what seemed like 10 minutes of humping
Her Arse off. I pulled out, emptied the vast
contents of my overflowing nutsack and left her
With a face like a plasterers radio.

Ladies, if a man says he'll fix it, he'll fix it! You don't need to remind him every six months...

Wife to husband: I'm going over to talk to the neighbour for five minutes, will you be so kind and stir the soup every halfhour?

A man was hiding under the kitchentable when his wife was making the rounds when the neighbour walked in and saw him. -So you're sitting under the kitchentable? -I am the man of the house so I sit wherever I like!

- Doctor can you tell me why my back hurts so much these days?
- I suggest you stop masturbating!
- Can that help?
- No but I can't examine you otherwise!

A classic from the news headlines:
A man escapes from the funny farm, goes in to a laundromat and have sex with a lady there and the escapes the scene.
The headline read: Nut screws washers and bolts...

Q. - If a woman is uncomfortable watching you masturbate do you...

(a)You should spend more time together.

(b)She's nothing but a fuckin prude...

(c)She should of sat somewhere else on the bus..

I was sitting down to have a nice quiet wank today. I got myself all comfy on the sofa, got out the tissues... then the cunts kicked me out of DFS.

I hope that was a joke man because after the talk we had last time i would be very disappointed if its happened again....

What concert tickets only cost 45 cents?

50 cent featuring Nickleback.