"Send us a photo of where YOU are." announced the newsreader last night.

I think he meant a photo of anyone stranded in the snow on the M6, rather than me doing the wife doggie style giving the peace sign.



http://www.johns-jokes.com/joke-of-the-day/2013/Jan.html

Burger King have announced a new marketing campaign
Burger King fresh off the hoof
You placed the bet, you watched the race now eat the winner
The marketing manager was going to attend but was too busy running round Newmarket
Burger King have announced a sponsership deal for all steeplechase events this year so they get first dibbs on the fallers!

To avoid any scandal Silvercrest Foods have changed thier name to silvermane

Forget Tescos burgers try thier meatballs they really are the dogsbollocks

It seems that it's spreading. First Tesco found horse meat in their burgers.......now Primark have found camel toes in their leggings!

Dirty bastard. That turned me on.

Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque.

They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.

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During last night's high winds an African family was killed by a falling tree.

A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said, "We didn't even know they were living up there."

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Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.

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I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick-pocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low!

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I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan guy standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

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A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates..

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed .

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

"Are you Mohammed ?" he asks.

"No, my son. I am Peter ... Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter , he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds and comes to a room where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again, "Are you Mohammed ?"

"No, I am Moses . Mohammed is higher still."

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.

Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed ?"

"No, I am Jesus . You will find Mohammed higher up."

Mohammed higher than Jesus !

The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.

Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:

"Are you Mohammed ?" he gasps, as he is by now totally out of breath from all his climbing.

"No, my son. I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"

"Yes, please, my Lord."

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out,

"Hey, Mohammed, two coffees!"

The locals will love that one. :;)

David Jason is to be the face of a new TV advertising campaign for their latest deal. Buy 3 packs of burgers and get 5p off a litre of fuel.

The campaign is called 'Only fuels and horses'

Someone told me that flowers have sex organs. Poppycock!!