After a wild night of drinking and drugs, Bill awoke to find an ugly old woman next to him.

It was only then he realised that he had made it home safely.

Got an email today from a bored, local housewife who is looking for some hot action!

So I sent her my ironing.

Did you hear about the overweight, alcoholic transvestite?

All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

A kid comes home from school and excitedly tells his father he was cast for a part in the school play, playing a man who has been married for 25 years.

"Don't worry son," the father says. "Maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."

I was invited to a New Year's party, where the dress-code was "dress to kill."

Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack weren't what they had in mind.

LOL.........
Good ones Jimmy!

Some crackers in there Jimmy!!

Meanwhile:

Sherlock Holmes and Watson discover they have a longing to shag each other.

They go back to Sherlock’s place, straight into the bedroom and strip off.

Once on the bed, Sherlock bends Watson over, cuts a lemon in half and proceeds to rub it all round Watson’s areshole.

Watson asks “What are you doing Holmes”?

Sherlock replies, “Lemon entry dear Watson”.

Some great jokes there guys. I have got a few by text recently, will post em l8r. Keep them coming

Why did Michael Jackson enjoy being with thirty-seven year olds?

There were thirty of them.

my next door neighbour was knocking on my door last night 2.30 a.m can you fucking believe it 2.30.
Luckily I was still up loudly playing The World is Yours