A cocaine addict was found unconscious after mistakenly snorting a large quantity of curry powder.

Hospital officials say he is in a korma.

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. ‘How'd you die?’
the first man asks the second.
‘I froze to death,’ says the second.
‘That's awful,’ says the first man. ‘How does it feel to freeze to death?’
‘It's very uncomfortable at first’, says the second man. ‘You get the shakes,
and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm
way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How
about you, how did you die?’
‘I had a heart attack,’ says the first man. ‘You
see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home
unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down
to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second
floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the
attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.’
The
second man shakes his head. ‘That's so ironic,’ he says.
‘What do you mean?’
asks the first man.
‘If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both
still be alive.’

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex.

A friend of mine was wearing one, when he was shot by the woman's husband.



http://www.johns-jokes.com/joke-of-the-day/2013/January.html

Worried about horse meat in your burger Neigh need to panic, only side effect is the trotts, you'll be stable in no time

I bought a veggie burger from Tesco. I'm a bit worried it may have had uniquorn in it.

2 good ones LMFAO!!!

Nice one Musicmatt2112!

HOT TIP CHELTENHAM 3:15 TESCO BURGER

Now we know why so many people get the trotts after a BBQ!

Following 5 years of intensive training 12 Italian priests were about to be ordained.

The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, naked, with a small bell attached to their penis while a beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
They were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction, she proceeded to work her way down the line becoming even more suggestive but, receiving the same response from all the priests until she got to the final candidate, Mick from Belfast.

Poor Mick, as she danced his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby bushes.

Embarrassed, Mick quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.

He bent over to pick it up and almost immediately, all the other bells started ringing!

Hi Matt, Nicked a shot ofyour uniquorn joke and made 10 people laugh! cheers for that one!