I've just gone off Rat a touie and Mouseaka!

I Went out last night, and got really wasted.
I woke up next to a fat bird, who was snoring and farting.
At least I got home OK!!


The wife's back on the warpath again,
Last night she was up for making a "home movie" &
All I did, was suggest that we should hold auditions for her part!!


I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
My next shit could spell disaster.


My stunning sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them.
It was my own fault,
I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.
Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.


After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.
But strangely enough, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.
So I thought, to heck with it, I'll soldier on.


I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong.
I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!
I panicked; I didn’t know what to do.
Then I remembered that Morrisons serves breakfast until 11.30.


A man is seeking to join the Birmingham Police force.
The Sergeant doing the interview says:
"Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take, before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit"
The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"
"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"


Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week.
Took her to the fair last night.
It took me 5 hours to get her off the big wheel.

LOL.............

All this food scandle, now on the news there some sort of connection to wales, fuck sake even fish aint safe!

Try fish cakes sure to have sea horse and sick squid!

All this fuss about gay weddings , has no-one warned these fuckers about the plague of #Lawyers that will descend upon them?

I was sitting at a long stop light yesterday afternoon, minding my own business and patiently waiting for the signal to change (although wanting to creep through).

A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting Anti-Australian slogans, with a half-burned Amaerican flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car, and a “Remember 9-11" slogan spray-painted on the side, pulled up next to me.

Suddenly, they yelled, "Allah Akbar! Praise Allah!," and took off before the light had changed.

From out of nowhere, a B-Double semi came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

For several minutes, I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man ... that could have been me!"

So, today, bright and early, I went out and applied for a job as a truck driver.

what about that oscar pistorious? money, gorgeous girlfriend
nice house and then he does that! i mean you could say
that he had the world at his knees!!!

Oscar Pistorious, he had springs in his steps!

money and a big house is not everything in life
and how your partner looks either