Q: Ever hear of the Gary Glitter burger?

A: It’s 60 year old meat in ten year old buns.

There’s a new hire car available in Portugal.
It’s a small car and if you cant get all your kids inside you can fit one in the boot - it’s called the Renault McCann.

Two Irish men are walking along Kensington High Street when they see a sign.

Suits £15.00
Trousers £3.50
Shirts £2.00

One said to the other one "Will ye look at that - we could buy a lot of that gear and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune. When we go in the shop don’t say anything, let me do all the talking "cause if they hear our accent they might not serve us so I’ll speak in my best English accent."

They go in and he orders,

50 suits at £15.00 and
50 trousers at £3.50 and
100 shirts at £2.00

The owner of the shop says "You’re Irish aren’t you"

"Ah Bejaysus..... Yes, how de hell did ye know?",

The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners!!!!!"

Good One MotorLaw!

A guy suspects his wife of having an affair so he hires a private detective, tells him to follow her and report back to him in 2 weeks.

The private detective calls him in 3 days and confirms that she is with another man and if he goes home he'll catch them at it.

The guy grabs a gun from his office drawer, gets a cab home and tells the cabby to go with him into the house as a witness.

He bursts into the bedroom to find them both hard at it, he pulls the sheets back and his wife says, "before you shoot him, you should know that he paid for the Corvette you have, he also paid for the two holidays we take every year, all of the expensive furniture we have and he put $50,000 into our bank account.

The guy thinks for a minute, turns to the cabby and says "what should I do", the cabby replies, "I'd cover him up before he catches cold"!

fella at the bar says to the bartender, "could you call me a cab?"

"ok, you're a cab."
that's not the joke.

the cab arrives and fella says to the cabbie, "does this taxi have enough room for 12 beers, a 40 pounder of whiskey, a pizza, and 2 dozen hotwings?"

cabbie says, "sure, there's plenty of room for that."

so, fella pukes in the back seat.

Sent to me today by a canadian friend...

Why Can't I Own a Canadian?

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by an east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:


Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Terentek lol lol lol now that's funny!!

"Get thee behind me Satan"

I suppose that comes under Leviticus 18:22?

I think it all pretty much comes under "Maximus Bolloxus"

Stress.
You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful girl. Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to a hospital. Now that's stressful.
But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant & congratulate you that you are going to be a father.
You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is getting very stressful,
So then...... you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.

After the tests are completed, the doctor says that you are sterile, and probably have been since birth.
You are extremely stressed but relieved.
On your way back home, you think about your wife and 3 kids at home.

NOW THAT'S STRESS!!