How ironic, my next door neighbour was banging on the walls around 1AM for about the 11th time in a row. I can hardly hear myself angle grinding some nights 'cos of him!

I am both your next door neighbour!
Can ya keep the noise down I'm trying to listen to Motorhead!

hahaha, great few lines there folks.


A New Yorker goes into the bar in his Texas hotel. He walks up to the bartender and says "May I have a small bag of peanuts?" The bartender walks to the end and grabs a HUGE sack of peanuts. "I asked for a small bag." The bartender replies "Everything is bigger in Texas!" So after eating all the peanuts the guy asked for a small glass of beer and the bartender pours him a gallon of beer. "I asked for a small glass." "Everything is bigger in Texas!" The New Yorker wanted to get his moneys worth and finished all the beer. He got a little dizzy and asked where the restroom was. The bartender says "Go down the hall and turn left, NOT right." The New Yorker steadied himself along the wall and made it to the end but turns right. He fall into the hotel's pool and proceeds to yell at the top of his lungs, "DON'T FLUSH!DON'T FLUSH!!"



silly i know

Guy in an antiques shop, picks up a brass cat and asks the man how much he wants for it, he replies, '£60 for the cat and £60 for the story'. The guy decides to take the cat but not the story.

On the way home the man notices some cats following him. By the time he gets to a nearby river, there's thousands of cats following, so he throws the brass cat into the river, the cat's jump in and drown.

The guy goes back to the shop and the shopkeeper says 'I knew you'd be back for the story'. The guy say's 'Fuck that! Have you got a brass poofter?!!'

I've just been banned from a Muslim clothes shop. I only asked if they had a bomber jacket.
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I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army Soup Kitchen.

All I said was, "will you bastards hurry up and eat, some of us have homes to go to".
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I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.

He hypnotized 7 blokes then dropped the microphone on his foot & said "Fuck me".

What happened next will haunt me forever..

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Paddy tells Mick he's thinking of buying a Labrador.

"Your fucking mad" say's Mick, "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind"?

Man bought a Budgie, it kept on saying "Am a Scootishh Budgie and am hard as fuck." After a week the mans so fed up he buys a Kestral, puts it in its cage and says "Lets see how hard you are now."

Next morning Kestrals dead and the Budgie says "Am a Scootishh Budgie and am hard as fuck." So he buys a Buzzard and puts it in its cage. Next morning Buzzards dead and the Budgie says "Am a Scootishh Budgie and am hard as fuck."

So he goes out and buys a Golden Eagle, puts it in the Budgies cage. Next morning the Eagles dead and the Budgie has no feathers left, Budgie says "Aye, a hud tae take ma jakit aff for that hard cunt!"

Send to a friend....

There's a great new scheme employing people like you, with learning difficulties, to help repair roads and driveways damaged from the snow and ice. For more information go to Re-tarred.com

Bent Arm, I fucking love your jokes.

I'm sick of double standards. My girlfriend bought buys a "Rampant Rabbit with attachments" and she's a 'naughty fun girl, with a special new toy'. But when I order a '240volt deluxe fistmaster 5000, latex revolving pussy with realistic elasticated anus, imitation shit dribble, semen collection tray, and a built in sadistic rape sound system', then that supposedly makes me some kind of pervert

A group of woman go around the world searching for men with the biggest cocks.

The man in England had a 1 inch cock, the man in Sweden had a 3 inch cock, the man in Brazil had a 5 inch cock, the man in Scotland had an 8 inch cock and the man in Iceland had a 12 inch cock.

Thats why mums go to Iceland