In a survey most married men said Christmas day was just like every other day... sitting at the table with a big fat bird that doesn't gobble anymore

Merry Christmas

'was bonking this lady when suddenly we both heard the front door open.

She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door"!

Thinking back, I really should have ran; but you don't get offers like that every day!!

A bunch of bus drivers had a wanking contest.

Nothing happened for about 15 minutes,

then 3 of them came together.

I don't know why everyone is going on about how hard it is to manage your finances during the recession, i've managed to save about £300,000

Rosie, 47, Monaco

Rap is 75% Crap.

New Year's resolution- Date more models.

Revised- Date more.

Revised again- Get a date.

Revised one last time- Stop crying whilst masturbating.

I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.

The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

"So, how's life in North Korea?"

"Well, I can't complain."

I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!"

I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

I really wanted to remarry the woman I divorced years ago, but she said I was only after my money.