Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque.

They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.

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During last night's high winds an African family was killed by a falling tree.

A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said, "We didn't even know they were living up there."

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Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.

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I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick-pocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low!

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I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan guy standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

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A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates..

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed .

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

"Are you Mohammed ?" he asks.

"No, my son. I am Peter ... Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter , he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds and comes to a room where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again, "Are you Mohammed ?"

"No, I am Moses . Mohammed is higher still."

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.

Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed ?"

"No, I am Jesus . You will find Mohammed higher up."

Mohammed higher than Jesus !

The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.

Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:

"Are you Mohammed ?" he gasps, as he is by now totally out of breath from all his climbing.

"No, my son. I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"

"Yes, please, my Lord."

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out,

"Hey, Mohammed, two coffees!"