I Went out last night, and got really wasted.
I woke up next to a fat bird, who was snoring and farting.
At least I got home OK!!


The wife's back on the warpath again,
Last night she was up for making a "home movie" &
All I did, was suggest that we should hold auditions for her part!!


I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
My next shit could spell disaster.


My stunning sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them.
It was my own fault,
I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.
Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.


After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.
But strangely enough, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.
So I thought, to heck with it, I'll soldier on.


I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong.
I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!
I panicked; I didn’t know what to do.
Then I remembered that Morrisons serves breakfast until 11.30.


A man is seeking to join the Birmingham Police force.
The Sergeant doing the interview says:
"Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take, before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit"
The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"
"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"


Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week.
Took her to the fair last night.
It took me 5 hours to get her off the big wheel.