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Simon Sessler is a very old friend of Lemmy’s.

He was born on a Tuesday, some years ago and spent much of his early life as a child. By the time he was 14 years old, he was almost completely potty trained and began showing a keen interest in moving to a better family than the one he was in. Eventually, the actress Ursula Andress adopted him, but he was returned two days later, due to his face.

These days, Simon lives a quiet, simple life, blaming Lemmy for the fact he looks 103 and feels even older. He splits his time between standing outside Gilbert O’Sullivan’s house and engaging in his tireless charitable works, raising money for the over-privileged and people who can’t masturbate left handed. He also enjoys indulging his passion for disliking jazz and is working on a book that will uncover the real reason behind Stoke Newington.